I can't do that.
I cursed under my breath at my yoga teacher. The pace felt too fast for me. I was tired. I didn't want to be there. I debated turning off the video. It was a pre-recorded class, there was no one to hold me accountable. The yoga studio that got me through the pandemic changed the way they run their online classes. While there were things I loved, the live classes without being seen challenged me.
Once again, my world had changed and I wasn't sure how I felt about it.
Then, it hit me. That has been this year. Change after change, over and over again. We've had to learn and re-learn and fail and recreate and try and fail and do it all over... again. and again.... and again. And this week, honestly? It felt exhausting. I didn't have much left in the tank. It also happened to be the week that I'd scheduled out my yoga classes for each day. (like I subconsciously knew I was going to need it!) So... I got on my mat. every day. and most days? I didn't love it. And. I was reminded so many times in so many ways this week that this practice is not about always feeling good or nailing poses or making the best of everything.
This practice is simply about showing up, just as we are.
For me that meant showing up grumpy and frustrated and mad. It also meant giving myself the grace to be those things with no judgement around it. It was in the moments I gave myself grace that the real magic happened. I allowed myself to simply be... me. To be where I was, no frills, no gimmicks, and to learn from that space. I discovered a lot about myself this week and the ways I do and do not react to situations, the ways I handle challenging times, the things I tell myself when I start to let fear take over. It was eye opening in a really beautiful way. So tonight, I'm planning out my practices for the week and I'm getting on my mat every day. I'm getting on my mat every day as a way of continuing to show up for myself during this crazy time. I'm also showing up for you. So, if you need someone to see you, to breathe with you, to guide you, I'll be here. I'd encourage you to get on your mat either way and be in the practice of showing up, just as you are, and loving yourself from that space.